…A Midnight Run

Well I once had begun a collection of vinyl, but I don’t know where it is. So, as of late, I have begun a continuation of my collection with the addition of new vinyl bought today at Hyde Park Records on 53rd st.

I was amazed to find that they have recent rock music there. They have an amazing collection from the 80s. They even has Thursday vinyl at one point, but sold out.

The guy said he’d put an order in for Full Collapse. But I doubt he’ll get it seeing how I don’t think it’s printing anymore.

Well I’m waiting to get out of work and I think I’m gonna try and get to the apple store before they close…then I guess go home and workout. Lonely night tonight since the gf is hanging out…

Maybe I’ll catch up on some battlestar or maybe clean my room. Or start looking for a new record player and speakers…

I miss you baby. I hate this weekend…FULLY. Not jealous but I still hate these next 3-4 days.

Need to increase protein. Might try whey protein but last thing I want to do is get bulky.

Vinyl I bought….

Radiohead -In Rainbows
Foals –
Tears For Fears -
Police -

Two others I forgot

So mi mujer (my lady) and I our together. I am so fucking happy. If you were to see me, you’d see this super huge-aid smile on my face. So geeked and super cheesing. We had such a great/fun night last night. Went to a little small pub. Very low-key place that had very nice people running it a cute little dog roaming and he’s so friendly and board games!!! That’s how you know you’re at a cool place. We played ping pong and pool. We play so well together, idk why we haven’t all this time.

Challenge to any 2v2 ping pong or pool couples, we will own you. Also we will showboat a tad bit for fun to let you know our awesomeness.

I love this woman so much.

I had a little lunch after my 9am Arabic class. Subway–we have robinsons, subway, and some Mexican restaurant in our cafeteria. Another hour to go…..SIGH. We should’ve had lunch together since we have these big gaps in between our classes/jobs. Well now we know

She says I’m neglecting her (jokingly) lol. I’d like to know how. :p

2012 February 1 – Red Aurora Over Australia

http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/ap120201.html

(Sent from Flipboard)

I feel like I just seen the sun for the first time
You make my life bright cuz you shine
It’s me and you baby, it’s our time
I’m living my dream, girl cuz you mine
You got me skippin down the street
And singin love songs all out of key
I didn’t smoke nothin but I feel so high
And I know why
It’s a love thing, it’s got to be
Your heart’s all locked and I got the key
It feels like I just won the lottery
Cuz I got my girl and she got me

You my new obsession
All I want to do
You my new obsession, girl
I feel on top of the world wit you baby
I want to dance and party tonight
I feel on top of the world wit my lady
I’m gonna rock your body all night
She makes me wanna sing

La, la la la (8x)

Oh, I can’t get you out my mind
Everything you do is feelin right
Remember that way you caught my eye?
I remember that way you was walkin by
Ooh girl, watch out now
You looked at me, turned around and smiled
Gave me eyes, my heart went wild
Hypnotized, this love starts now
And how do I know you’re real?
It really doesn’t matter, it’s the way I feel
You make me feel super like the man of steel
Got me goin stupid, pickin daffodils

You my new obsession
All I want to do
You my new obsession, girl
I feel on top of the world wit you baby
I want to dance and party tonight
I feel on top of the world wit my lady
I’m gonna rock your body all night
She makes me wanna sing

So here I am now…

Sitting here.

I dont have any music going. But I’m going to play some when I lay down to take a nap. I’m bleeding and in a little pain.

I shouldn’t sleep but its so hard to stay awake right now. My body is so weak. I didn’t really sleep earlier when I got back so that doesn’t help either.

I don’t how things are going to be tomorrow, or a week from now. But I do KNOW for SURE that we’ll eventually be ok. I will not settle with being without you forever.

Just not how it’s supposed to turn out.

Text me sometime today and say “read the journal” so I’ll remember to read it cause I might forget.

I KNOW we’ll be alright one day, but I want to hear you say it. I know you believe it. I know.

I wish you still read my blogs…
I guess that way I’d know in a little way that you still love me, and that you really DO hope that we’ll turn out ok.

We argue way too much and fight way too much. We are so meant to be together. I bet my life on it, seriously. If I die, I guess I lost…ha

I cant get you out of my head, and I’m totally fine with that. Estoy encanta. Y tu?

sigh…you’ll be the death of me baby.

I am writing so much.

Not just words, but music. For you to hear one day.

Listening to old music I wrote. PT, WLAS.

Grace, Wishes

A thousand times

You don’t see it do you?

I’m VERY strong.

I will hurt, I will be depressed. I will learn from all this pain you’re causing me. You will set me straight.
You will have a clean, me. A new me. Someone you’re supposed to be with and for every right reason.

I AM THAT PERSON. I will be THAT PERSON when all this shit is done.

I am allowing myself to endure all of this, because I do want to change. I do want to make things right between us.

I CHOSE to let you hurt me. I CHOSE to stay through all that is fucked up. Not giving up on you.

I CHOSE all of this….because I am strong. I’m strong enough to accept defeat and learn from the battles fought.

But what makes me so strong and able to deal with all this on the very edge of all this without ending myself…is my love. my belief system.

I’m glad youre giving all this pain to me straight. It’s better that way. Crush me. Destroy me. Treat me like shit….so I can become new. So I can know what I lost can be whole again if I push through adversity.

I’m currently down and out.

But I will NOT give up. Say what you need to say. Get it all out there. Bury me in your feelings. Make me fucking suffer like the asshole I was.
Make me not want any part of what I was.

I am learning. I am breathing. I am fighting.

You’ll never lose me. No one will ever take my love away from you. Not ever. They aren’t as strong as you to get so deep. They’ll try, but fail.
So I’ll wait, impatiently at first, but I’ll learn patience. I’ll become stronger. Shed unwanted wantings. Unwanted curiosity. I will be whole again, with you.

I LOVE YOU….means I love you…through it all.

I will not give you the satisfaction of letting you win. So teach me, baby. You’ve made me fear of ever thinking of making a mistake ever again. So now just mold me into what I CHOOSE to become.

THE man for you.

This pain feels so awful. But its good for me overall.

To give up, would mean my entire life meant nothing to this point.
And I KNOW I wasn’t born and have grown up to be nothing and not have the woman that I know I should be with just give up on so easily.
Fuck that…

My life is special. I am very special. I have something a lot of people don’t have.

This definitely burns for worse than I had imagined.

I am scared mentally.

I am strong, I am right. I swear it.

And you’ll know this all along and you will see.

I must keep fighting. Take this pain as a lesson and learn.

I am yours forever.

I am stronger than you think.

I will have you back, if it takes a long while. Fine.

I told you I’m not going anywhere.

I refuse to let you go. I refuse to let you win. I refuse.

There isn’t any going back for me now. I’ll fight the nastiest of battles.

You’ll see…I have something no one else ever will. You’ll see it and know what it is.

FIght me all you want. I will not be moved. I will not be convinced otherwise. I will not seek someone else.

Im here through all of this confusion. Through all these other people in the picture. They are only temporary.

You will fucking see.

Today I sign my life away.

I wish I could tell her.

But I don’t see the point.

If she doesn’t love me or care for me, what good would it do.

I havent eaten since I was with you.

I dont even feel hungry.

I’m deteriorating, fast.

But I knew all along, I knew it all, all along.

So I’ll spend the time reminiscing and remembering the good things in life. You were something amazing. I’ll always cherish.

You will always be my true love.

Even with all the punishment and destruction.

Im not fucking going anywhere. I don’t know if I won’t attempt to contact you. I don’t know.

But I love you fully. Now I see and I know that I have to suffer.

I am nothing without you. I know you love me. You will always love me as I will always love you.

If that’s not true. Why are you reading this? I have to believe you’re reading this. I’ve got nothing to hope for if it doesn’t involve you.

I think I’ll read the journal later today.

I’m telling you baby, we’ll end up being ok.

So much pain

My hands are shaking.

My eyes are red and wet with streams of tears.

My mouth is dirty from vomit.

In spite of all my tears…

I only think of when I was born, when I was a baby. 87

I had so much love. A small room seemed like such a huge world. Riding in my mother’s baby seat that she put on her bike as she’d take me around the base to make me fall asleep.

I felt like I was flying. I would smile so hard.

Add a year. 88-89

Life seems so promising, Santa Clause is very scary the moment I’m put on his lap; I’m this little dude and he’s this weird looking figure in my eye. I cry profusely.

Add a couple of years. 90-91

Living in Maryland. Grandma Randolph feeds me too much food, Ralph’s friends come over to watch 101 Dalmatians. I’m jealous I have no friends; I’m 4.

Add a year. 90

Move back to Ft Walton Beach, but it’s only temporary.

Greyhound bus to Chicago via Ft Walton. Weirdest bus ride of my life. Woman with a mustache talking to a 4 year old like she knew me forever. She was a complete stranger.

Add eleven years. 01

I’m in high school, starting to really see how different life was from grammar school. It’s a whole new world. Making all types of friends. Still lonely.

Fast forward to now.

I’m almost 25 years old and throughout my entire life and how fucked up its been…I’m in the worst state ever.
But I remember as a baby that I wouldn’t cry cause i was tired or needed feeding or anything. I cried because I already had pain. As much as there was some enjoyment in my youth, now seems lost.

I’ve lived my life the way I always wanted to live it.
And now that I found myself living for me a little, I seem to want to live the rest of my life for the fight.
It will be a continuous fight and yes, it seems to me like its just about impossible. I’ve always known pain, since I was pain. Emotional pain.
But never have I felt like this. Not this kind of pain, ever. It’s extremely severe. I’m typing these words. But I dont feel like I’m here. I don’t feel…well, I just don’t feel real at all.

I’m automated. I’m consumed with guilt. I’m consumed with anger, at myself and my decisions of the past. I’m consumed with fear, that I’ll never get that happiness back; you.

I’m honestly losing my fucking mind. There is no fighting this. I am undone.

Through all of this, I can’t stop loving you. I can’t make myself even through all of this. It’s embarrassing.

I don’t think I’ll be writing a response to my investigation.

I don’t know where to being or what to say.

Just take it how it is.

I’m slowly fading and losing it all.

Mentally, I’m just about gone. Especially from a text msg I just got.

Shattered into a thousand pieces.

You delivered a very critical blow.

My life is in a state of disarray.

I thought you loved me.